Sign of the Times: Bronson's Election Causes Earth to Vomit

A 6.1 magnitude earthquake rattled large parts of Alaska today after planet Earth could no longer stomach the election of David Bronson.

"I'm sorry, I held it for as long as I could," Earth said when reached by email. "I really am sorry...I'm bowled over and am still holding my abdomen. I hope I didn't ruin anyone's holiday weekend."

Earth said it's been cramping and in a lot of pain since Bronson became Anchorage's newest Mayor-Elect, but wanted to assure Alaskans that the latest earthquake was not caused by one of the Four Men of the Apocolypse.