Judy Eledge to Replace Josh Church as Bronson's Running Mate
Relax, it's satire.
ANCHORAGE, ALASKA – The Bronson for Governor campaign announced today that Fairbanks financial professional Josh Church has been released from the ticket effective immediately and will be replaced by longtime conservative activist and celebrated library administrator Judy Norton Eledge.
“Josh is a fine young man and has said troubling things, but he has never once been secretly recorded saying something horrifying, and frankly that made me question his commitment to this movement,” said Dave Bronson. “Judy, on the other hand, has been vetted more thoroughly than any candidate in Alaska history. It’s all on tape. Literally all of it.”
Bronson noted that Eledge brings decades of executive experience to the ticket, including two separate appointments to run the Anchorage Public Library, one of which lasted almost three whole months before anyone could schedule a confirmation hearing.
In keeping with tradition, Eledge will technically serve as Deputy Lieutenant Governor candidate, a position Bronson invented this morning that requires no election, no confirmation, and no vetting of any kind. “It worked beautifully at the library,” Bronson explained. “If the Assembly won’t confirm your awful person, you simply create a version of the job the Assembly can’t touch. That’s not a loophole, that’s leadership.”
Eledge said she was honored to step down as chair of Repeal Now and join the ticket. “Together, Dave and I will make Alaska’s government equitable, and by equitable I mean absolutely not equitable, because equitable, to me, is a racist word,” she said. “I said that on tape too. You can just go listen.”
The Bronson-Eledge ticket will focus on the kitchen table issues Alaskans care about most, such as which library books are dangerous, which of your Alaska Native neighbors are the real racists, and which symbols of the Holocaust are actually a credit to the Jewish people when printed at home and worn to a public meeting.
In a show of fiscal responsibility, the campaign has proactively budgeted $827,500 for settlements arising from things Judy says between now and November, a figure chosen for sentimental reasons.
Any hateful, racist, or derogatory remarks issued by this campaign will be firmly denounced in an official statement, which will then be quietly revised a few hours later to remove the denouncement.
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